tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72535597560206688802024-02-08T05:54:13.725-08:00Random Insanity StoriesStories created by a derranged mindParanormal Explorerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01259465226581059722noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7253559756020668880.post-91085249627447606912011-03-01T14:40:00.000-08:002011-03-01T14:40:30.583-08:00FREDDY THE FISH AND THE INVASION (PART 2)Here's the thrilling conclusion to the story I began yesterday :) I hope you enjoy:<br />
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Morning dawned on the reef. This is of course a pretty crappy opening to a story but you're probably forgetting that there has already been a part one to this story. <br />
<br />
Anyway, morning dawned on the reef. The general population of the fish woke up and started going about their day. The sharks settled down into their hiding places and tried their best to merge into the surroundings, this wasn't hard to do as fish are just like humans. They will completely ignore things that don't concern them. <br />
<br />
That night, the sharks came out of hiding and started their plan. Now this is a completely stupid way of continuing with a story. First of all a whole day has gone by without mention. Obviously nothing interesting happened but still there needs to be some comment. So as the reef was so boring I shall take you to something interesting happening on an airfield a few hundred miles away from the reef.<br />
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Two men are pushing various items into the cargo hold of a large plane. These items are mainly boxes of food. They pack in silence for a while. Then one of them looks at the next few items that need placing inside.<br />
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"Jim! What the hell are the plants for?" He asked.<br />
<br />
"Well Charlie, it makes it look like we're delivering more than we actually are if we bring plants placed in pots."<br />
<br />
"But this is a third world country. Should we really be doing something like that?"<br />
<br />
"Yes. Maybe the plants will survive there and then we will have given a whole lot."<br />
<br />
They fell back into a thoughtful silence as they packed the last of the supplies.<br />
<br />
"Right then. Have a good flight Jim." Charlie said as he started walking away.<br />
<br />
"Wait Charlie. You have to come with me."<br />
<br />
"Why?"<br />
<br />
"Well the cargo hold door's broken, so I need somebody to hold down the switch for the whole journey."<br />
<br />
"Fuck that. Use selotape or something!"<br />
<br />
"And if the selotape suddenly gives out half way and all of the cargo is lost?"<br />
<br />
"I don't know, fake your death or something that way people can't be pissed with you."<br />
<br />
Charlie walked off leaving Jim to contemplate how to make the journey without help.<br />
<br />
Right then, back to the reef! <br />
<br />
That night, the sharks came out of hiding and started their plan. It was a hideously evil plan that was even worse than the sharks just eating all of the fish. They were going to seal the reef and create the worlds second ever shark supermarket. A place where sharks could just drop in to pick up a snack any time they wanted.<br />
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It's interesting to note at this point that the first ever shark supermarket was actually a supermarket in eastern London that sold only shark meat. It went bust pretty quickly and could technically be classed as one of those things that humans and fish completely ignore as it doesn't concern them.<br />
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As all of the reef dwellers slept the sharks went about building walls to surround the fish all the way up to the surface. This took them all night and the reef dwellers were waking up just as they placed the final rock in place. It was at this moment that Gargant also woke up. He examined the work that his fellow sharks had done and realised the mistake that they had made. There was no exit. <br />
<br />
This made Gargant angry. <br />
<br />
There's nothing worse than a pissed off shark. <br />
<br />
Except maybe for a pissed of larger that average shark.<br />
<br />
Which is exactly what Gargant was.<br />
<br />
As has already been shown, sharks are very simple creatures that work in short sharp bursts of activity. However, this is not always true. When a shark loses it's temper they shoot off into the far end of the intelligence spectrum and can do some literally amazing things. <br />
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For example, the Marie Celest, the famous abandoned ship mystery. The crew of the ship were calmly going about their business doing nothing at all wrong when a shark that was swimming to close to the surface was hit by the ship. This normally is not enough to piss off a shark but this particular shark had had a very crappy day where his three course meal had somehow managed to escape after slicing the tip off it's fin. Also it was suffering from a condition known to sharks as PMS (Pitiful Motion Sickness) which for a shark is the most embarassing and useless condition possible to obtain. So when this shark was rudely brushed aside by the large hulk of wood it lost it's temper, calculated the exact probability of all living things in the region disintegrating and calculated what was required in order to balance out these staggering odds. It then performed the required task (which was something that was highly probable to happen). It was only after everything had disintegrated that the shark realised that it had accidentally included itself in it's calculations. It then floated off into whatever dimensional paradise shark religeons have developed.<br />
<br />
Gargant was pissed off. More pissed off than he had ever been. And that was saying something. Gargant was frequently annoyed and was the major cause of most unexplained phenomena at sea. He swam around the perimeter of the reef looking for a possible exit. When he didn't find one he claculated the exact velocity required to create a shark sized hole in the wall while causing the maximum amount of pain to whoever happened to be the one hitting the wall. He then selected a shark at random to throw against the wall. <br />
<br />
I only wanted people to like me! Thought the shark as he shot through the water like a torpedo.<br />
<br />
After the dust had settled a nicely shaped hole was in the wall and was sufficient to calm Gargant down a little. <br />
<br />
"What was that noise?" Freddy was swimming around his cave in confusion.<br />
<br />
"It appears that we have some visitors?" Sammy said as he quickly re-entered the cave.<br />
<br />
"The bomb squad?" Freddy asked.<br />
<br />
"No, there are a bunch of sharks who appear to have surrounded our reef with rocks."<br />
<br />
"Oh. And the exlosion?" <br />
<br />
"That was the leader making a hole in the wall with one of the sharks."<br />
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"Ahh. So what do we do?" Freddy swam around impatiently.<br />
<br />
"I suppose we just wait here until they go away." Sammy settled down against the wall.<br />
<br />
"Or..." Freddy began thoughtfully.<br />
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"No!" Sammy exclaimed "We're not doing anything. Freddy, you always come up with these random plans in situations like this and they never work."<br />
<br />
"We've never been in a situation like this."<br />
<br />
"What about when there were jellyfish all over the place?"<br />
<br />
"That was an amazing plan and it worked."<br />
<br />
"I'll admit that it did get rid of the jellyfish. But, you did somehow manage to blow up half of the reef."<br />
<br />
"You can't have a good plan without an explosion."<br />
<br />
Sammy stared at Freddy for several minutes. "Ok," he said eventually "what is your plan?"<br />
<br />
<br />
The sharks were getting hungry. They all circled around Gargant as he watched the town waiting for movement. The endless circling was starting to give him a headache. He got pissed off again but before he could act on it and kill off one of his gang, he saw movement. It appeared that a small fish and a squid were swimming towards the group. The other four sharks stopped to stare with Gargant.<br />
<br />
<br />
"Why is this a good plan?" Sammy asked as they approached the sharks.<br />
<br />
"Bcause it's got an explosion."<br />
<br />
"Freddy! Explosions don't make good plans!"<br />
<br />
"You'll change your mind when all of the sharks have gone."<br />
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"I doubt I'll be able to change my mind. What with having been eaten by the sharks!"<br />
<br />
"It'll work." Freddy said calmly.<br />
<br />
<br />
The sharks smiled as the fish stopped in front of them. The squid continued swimming up and three of the sharks followed it. The fish faced Gargant and his second in command.<br />
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"I think you should go now." It said levelly. This obviously got a huge laugh from the two sharks. When they had finished laughing they lunged at the fish. It was never a good idea to talk to your food. The fish, however, seemed to have anticipated this and had suddenly started swimming down towards the reef. The sharks followed closely behind it.<br />
<br />
<br />
Sammy was confused. Freddy had told him to swim to the surface and wait there for him. Freddy hadn't explained that the waiting would involve having to avoid three sharks. Sammy dodged and ducked and dived around as each shark lunged at him. He was getting dizzy from all the required spinning he had to do just to keep each shark in sight. It was at this precise moment in time that Sammy saw his first ever tomoato plant. It was in a pot and fell out of the sky at a high speed. It smashed into the head of one of the sharks and instantly killed it. Sammy now only had two sharks to worry about. Technically a vast improvement although with one vital problem. He still had two sharks chasing him. After ducking and diving for a few more minutes he became aware of a large humming noise approaching quite fast. Looking up above the surface he saw a large metal flying machine descending towards him and the sharks. He swam as fast as he could away and managed to flee from the instant death provided by the machine. Hoever the sharks weren't quite as lucky as Sammy. <br />
<br />
The statement "weren't quite as lucky" has just been nominated for an award. The award it is up for is "Understatement of the year". The results of this award will be given once we know who has won.<br />
<br />
Sammy stared at the mess caused by the falling machine and sighed. Why did Freddy's plans somehow always end up working. It was at that moment that Freddy appeared next to him.<br />
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Sammy screamed.<br />
<br />
"What's wrong?" Freddy asked.<br />
<br />
"You scared me"<br />
<br />
"Oh, well seeing as you're in a jumpy mood I'll warn you that the explosions coming soon. I trapped that shark down there and the leader one is trying to help it out."<br />
<br />
"Freddy, isn't there one thing you're not considering?"<br />
<br />
"What?"<br />
<br />
"If you're bomobing the reef. You're going to kill everyone there."<br />
<br />
"Oh, I didn't think of tha-"<br />
<br />
The reef exploded. This wasn't your normal underwater explosion with a blast follwed by a concussion wave, this was a full scale explosion of nuclear proportions.<br />
<br />
After they had landed in the water again a full two minutes after the explosion. Freddy and Sammy looked around.<br />
<br />
"Did I get them?"<br />
<br />
"Freddy, you got the reef and the wall surrounding it, so I'm assuming you got them. Where did you get so much explosive stuff?"<br />
<br />
"Found it."<br />
<br />
"You found it? Where?" <br />
<br />
"Just around. The oceans pretty big so theres a lot of stuff stashed around."<br />
<br />
Before Sammy could answer there was a large splash behind them as Gargant erupted from the water. His skin appeared to have been boiled and his fin was hanging on by a thread. He turned in the air and landed nearby. He surfaced and started approaching them. They were definately going to die now. Nothing could stop this shark from eating them.<br />
<br />
Nothing chose that moment to put in an appearance. <br />
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A parachuting man landed on Gargants back. He was about to learn that sometimes when people fake their own death, they actually don't have to bother with the fake part.<br />
<br />
Freddy and Sammy fled from the shark as he ate the man. But before they could get very far they felt the presence of the shark behind them. They turned to face it and finally gave up hope. This time there was definately nothing that could save them.<br />
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After a job well done Nothing was planning on heading down to the pub. But at the last minute he changed his mind and decided to come back for an encore.<br />
<br />
The shark approached slowly. It opened it's mouth to eat the trembling fish. They both closed their eyes as it got nearer. There was a sudden sensation of something massive passing by. And nothing happened.<br />
<br />
They opened their eyes.<br />
<br />
They blinked.<br />
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They blinked again.<br />
<br />
They shrugged their shoulders and swam away from the now shark free spot in order to find a new place to live.<br />
<br />
<br />
A few miles away from the remains of the reef. In the place where the olympic rowing team practices. There is a commotion. It appears that there isn't enough to go around the baby dolphins. They beg and plead with their mother, who by now has grown to blue whale proportions and can swim at the speed of light. She tells them to calm down and wait. More of the food should be along soon.<br />
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<b>The End</b>Paranormal Explorerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01259465226581059722noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7253559756020668880.post-28822185487512943602011-02-28T14:30:00.000-08:002011-02-28T14:30:15.198-08:00FREDDY THE FISH AND THE INVASION (part one)This is one of my favourite Freddy the fish stories. It's very long and so is split into two parts. The second of which I will post tomorrow to create some suspense for all of you.<br />
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Hope you enjoy!!!<br />
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Once upon a time in the land of the fishies. That's below the ocean for those of you who weren't aware of the living conditions required for a fish to survive. Anyway, once upon a time in the land of the fishies there was a large fish which some humans like to call a shark. This statement is technically true. Most humans don't call it a shark, they just merely call it a "Oh fuck what's th- " before dying. The rest of them who don't actually die just call it an "AAAARGH!" and run away. So technically it's only some humans who like to call it a shark, and even then they don't particularly like it.<br />
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This isn't technically fair on the shark who never actualy hurt anyone. Except for the people who died obviously, but they were asking for it. Think about it this way, if the shark invaded the beach it would die wouldn't it. So why shouldn't the same thing happen to us humans? Now don't you start going on about all that crap about people drowning because you can always pop your head out of the water. But if a shark suddenly appeared in the middle of a field it wouldn't be able to just pop it's head back underwater. Don't be facetious now by saying that there might be a pond. You know what I'm talking about.<br />
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Anyway back to the story. There was this shark. And he was feeling pretty lonely because all of these weird looking fish were running away from him and going "AAAARGH!" So he decided to go on holiday and visit some of his family. They were pretty mean and so this particular shark, who wasn't mean at all, had to pretend to be really mean. He started swimming off into the distance. Much to the relief of the panicky humans who, as it turns out, all died later on that same day when a freak coincidence caused a large wave of giant jellyfish to cascade over everybody on the beach, causing a slow agonizing death to everybody involved, many of whom wished that they hadn't ran from the shark in the first place. Interestingly enough, the only survivor of this incident was a young boy who coincidentally <i>did</i> like to call them sharks.<br />
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Meanwhile, next to a small reef not far from the beach. Before we go any further with the story this statement should be examined. The term "not far" is actually a very vague term without some sense of size. If for example you were the size of an amoeba then not far would actually be only a few meters. For humans not far can be anything from a couple of miles to a whole continent depending on who is giving the description (although to be fair "not far" is only as much as a continent when being given directions by a local), if you are considering the term from the size of the universe then it means several thousad million light years, which is not all that far when you think about it. So to give you a sense of where we are going I shall now repeat the original phrase with a bit more clarity.<br />
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Meanwhile, next to a small reef approximately 13 kilometers 786 meters 23 centimeters and 5.7742 millimeters from the beach. Two fish were arguing over a fragment of an alien ship which had recently crash landed on the border of their properties. The ship itself was lying on it's side not far from the fish but was too heavy for them to move, however the fragment which was had fallen off in the impact was easily moved and that is what the argument was about.<br />
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"It was on my property until you moved it over onto your side of the rock!" Shouted the more colourful of the two.<br />
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"No it wasn't. I came along and saw that it was here lying on my side so I claimed it as mine. Then you came along and started yelling." The dull gray fish retorted. The colourful fish sighed and looked over at the ship which was deifinately on his property and made the whole place look cluttered in his opinion. <br />
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The ship was a long cylindrical shape with various colourful patterns on the side of it. Some of these patterns stood out more and the fish assumed that these were some sort of alien language. At either end of the ship the colours faded and became a dull metallic gray. The ship was sealed at one end but at the other there was an open hatchway, the strange thing about this hatch was that it had two doors. One seemed to open inwards and was open right now, the other door had a large hole in it that could have been a window, this door appeared to rest up above the hatch but could be folded down over the hatch if required. Also the doorway appeared to be razor sharp. In the fish's opinion aliens were just a little bit too awkward for his liking. And they were polluting his land with a strange sticky brown fizzy substance which seemed to be leaking out of the ships hatchway.<br />
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The piece of the ship that had been on his land until recently was a dull white colour and was shaped like a series of six rings in a three by two block. It would make a good wall decoration for his little cave and would be an interesting conversation piece for when he had visitors. His neighbour however would probably like to use the debris as a necklace or something like that. <br />
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"It was on my land!" He shouted. Although he knew that without proof it was pointless to even bother arguing about it.<br />
<br />
The argument was resolved before the dull gray fish could answer. A large blur flashed past the rock and everything vanished except for the alien ship which just rolled over a few times before coming to a rest next to the other five of it's kind which by a million to one chance had landed in such a fashion that anyone looking directly down at them would think that they said "444444.5%" which would be one hell of a drink.<br />
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In the reef itself, unaware of the alien crash site and the mystery of the vanishing fish, there was a celebration of sorts occuring. Apparently a fish had just returned from a two year long journey to find a safer place to live than the reef. It seems that the reef's mayorfish had decided that the homes of all of the fish in the area were open to attack by bigger fish if they decided to stay in this particular area. So the search party was sent out. It consisted of the ten strongest and best fighting fish in the area. These fish had been the sole protectors of the reef for many years as no other fish was able to take on several sharks at once. <br />
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The party had set out on a relatively sunny and dry day. Although they didn't care because they were underwater and so sunshine and rain don't really affect them below the surface. They had travelled in a slowly widening spiral around the reef looking for a suitable living area that was as close to the reef as possible. It was agreed that three of the fish would constantly circle the main search party of seven in order to locate any food that they would need as they searched. On the third day of their journey the three food finders suddenly vanished. There was a strange sensation of something massive swimming by the search party but they didn't see anything except for the sudden disappearance of the three food fish. After that incident the party stayed as close together as possible and searched slowly, stopping every now and then to hide and watch for whatever had swam past them. After a year or so of searching they believed they were far enough away from whatever had attacked them to begin searching properly again. The instant they came fully out into the open again something swooped down and ate another three of them. The remaining four were so shocked by this development that they didn't move quick enough and lost another two of their number to the unknown assailant. The last two had then spent three months in hiding, not wanting to even leave the large network of caves they had entered. They slowly explored these caves and found that they were very large and had sustainable food supplies. This was a good place for the fish from the reef to move to. But how would they be able to go out and tell the other fish about this area? With an unseen assassin chasing them how could they go back. Eventually they decided to draw straws (well draw little pieces of seaweed) and the one who got the short piece had to venture out of the cave. He did so and was fine. The other fish watched his progress as he left and wished him luck. The fish then turned to go back into the cave only to find a shark waiting for him at the entrance. This was no ordinary shark, this was Gargant, the leader of all sharks, he was a very large and very very mean shark with a grudge. He had a large scar covering one eye, that was a result of a meeting with the fish floating in front of him at this very moment. Taking him by suprise was a genius idea and Gragant was very proud of himself for thinking it up. He opened his mouth. He closed his mouth. He chewed. He swallowed. He grinned. He headed back to his brothers. Sharks are very simple creatures and often work in short sharp bursts of activity.<br />
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And so the only surviving fish of the search party brought the good news back to the reef. However, in the time that he had been gone no attacks on the reef had occurred and so the mayorfish had decided that they should stay in the reef after all. You may be thinking that this is a pointless waste of nine fish lives, nine fish lives that could easily protect the reef against attack, and you would be right in thinking that, however, in the grand scheme of things this sort of thing happens all of the time.<br />
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Meanwhile, in a small cave in the reef two marine creatures were sitting with intense looks of concentration on their faces. Well as intense as any random creature can look. They stared at each other, neither daring to move in inch. They remained like this for several minutes, eyes squinted to mere slits as they weighd up the chances of surviving the battle at hand. Eventually one of them made a slight movement and suddenly spoke.<br />
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"Bee five" Freddy the Fish said cooly.<br />
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"Damnit! You floated my goldfish!" Sammy the squid excalimed as he threw the rock he was holding onto the floor in exasperation.<br />
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Freddy smiled and swam around in circles a few times. <br />
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"You don't have to be cocky about it." Sammy moaned. "I would have won if your clown fish had gone left to right instead of up to down."<br />
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"Yeah I guessed you would have." Freddy said as he stopped swimming. "But then again, if I had gone out swimming into a blue whales mouth then I'd have died. So I guess the world evens out in the end doesn't it."<br />
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"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sammy asked.<br />
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"It means that the world isn't run on <i>if's</i>." Freddy said and he continued his dance. <br />
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Both Sammy and Freddy were completely unaware of the celebration happening down at the reef cave as all of the fish congratulated the surviving warrior fish on a job well done in finding a new home (the mayor had yet to tell him of the plan to stay in the reef). Everybody was having a great time and were being altogether too loud. It was for this reason that the group of seven sharks lead by Gargant were able to easily swim down into the reef and hide among the general foliage. Only one fish noticed the approach of the sharks and he didn't really care. This fish's name was Gerald and the reason for his not caring was simple. He was in exile from the reef.<br />
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A few years ago Gerald had been an aide to the mayorfish. He had single handedly undertaken the task of appointing the ten warrior fish to protect the reef from attack. Nobody knew it but the ten fish chosen to potect the reef had all been given an interesting substance found by Gerald. This substance appeared to make any fish who took it much stronger and faster and generally bigger. He had found a large amount of it dumped in a place near the shore.<br />
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An interesting thing to mention at this moment is that the point at which the boosting substance was dumped is directly below the training area of the olympic rowing team. I will not tell you which country, but anyone who's met them will know who I'm talking about.<br />
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The incident with the boosting agent wasn't what had gotten Gerald exiled. What had gotten him exiled was the fact that he told the mayor that sending the warrior fish away was a bad idea. He did this because he discovered that if a fish stops taking the substance he rapidly becomes weaker and slower than a normal fish. Anyway, the whole idea of finding a new place to live was pointless anyway. Gerald smiled and swam away. Good ridance to the lot of them he thought.<br />
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It's interesting to note that a few days after this incident Gerald was sturck by an oar as he swam near the surface. Fish who get struck by oars usually just get a little dazed, however this oar was wielded by one of the athlete's who helped him make the super warrior fish and so Gerald was beaten so hard that he exploded. It just shows that karma does exist even down in the oceans.<br />
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Eventually the party in the reef cave ended and everybody headed back to their own caves. A few fish vanished as they wandered into the hiding sharks but in general everybody made it home safely. Nobody noticed the invaders waiting in their little hidey holes. In his little cave, Freddy slept peacefully, blissfully unaware that had he gone to the party he would at this very moment be being eaten by the shark who had hidden himself outside the cave. Sammy the squid, who shared the two branch cave with Freddy, was also sleeping peacefully. He may have had a bad dream about a tomato plant, the fact that he had never seen or heard about a tomato plant made this impressive, but then again it could have been one of those prophetic dreams.<br />
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<b>To be continued...</b>Paranormal Explorerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01259465226581059722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7253559756020668880.post-67142736403114456212011-02-27T13:47:00.000-08:002011-02-27T13:47:17.739-08:00Freddy the Fish meets Hugo the DragonI love writing Freddy the fish stories. There's just so much potential for them. This is particularly good one! It has a blimp in it! Enjoy :)<br />
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Once upon a time in a small stream running through a field there was a tiny little fish named Freddy. He had lived in the stream all of his life and because he was so tiny he had to constanly keep swimming against the current. It was pretty tiring, but it was either that or death.<br />
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One day a fisherman came along. He was looking for a small fish to use for his small sandwiches. He was a bit of a cheap fisherman actually. One loaf of bread could last him years. So anyway he spots Freddy fighting for his life and decides to catch him. <br />
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Meanwhile Freddy was contemplating one of lifes big questions. If he stopped swimming would he die or just end up somewhere nice? All of a sudden this large metal thing dangled right next to him. Instinctively he lunged at it hoping for food. Instead he got pulled violently out of the water.<br />
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At that moment in time Hugo the Dragon was flying overhead. He saw that a fish was in trouble. He flew down and burnt the evil fisherman and saved Freddy from the sandwich of doom. Hugo made friends with Freddy and they both spent time flying around looking at stuff.<br />
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They saw a blimp.<br />
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THE END<br />
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Ok it wasn't quite as good as I made it out to be but the suspense about the blimps involvement had to make it at least a little exciting.Paranormal Explorerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01259465226581059722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7253559756020668880.post-26326353809560954562011-02-25T15:37:00.000-08:002011-02-25T15:37:16.914-08:00Facebook CopypastaI was on facebook and I saw that someone had posted a copypasta status which said something along the lines of:<br />
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"Everybody post how we first met. But you MUST LIE. It can be as random as you want."<br />
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I took that as a challenge and came out with the following story:<br />
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A watermelon fell out of a hot air balloon. Shortly after reaching it's terminal velocity it landed on a lemon. Bits of watermelon and lemon juice flew through the air in all directions. At that exact moment a nearby scientist turned on his newest invention. It was a device that instantly transported all nearby organic matter to random points in time. A drip of lemon juice happened to materialize in front of my eye as I was walking down the street. Blinded by the juice I stumbled around and accidentally kicked over a bucket which proceeded to roll down a hill and smashed a greenhouse window. The owner of the greenhouse - an irate Frenchman by the name of Clint - came running over to me and demanded compensation. I was willing to pay him, however, when I pulled out my wallet a vulture swooped down out of the sky and snatched it out of my hands. Annoyed by this I gave chase. After months and months of following the evil vulture around the country in my monster truck and having many many adventures involving flamingos and tambourines I finally caught up with the bird in a busy shop. After beating the bastard senseless I retrived my wallet and instantly drove back to the Frenchman to pay him the money. When I arrived back at his house I learnt that he had died from a freak accident involving a screwdriver and a magnet. I vowed that I would donate the money I owed him to a charity. As I contemplated which charity to donate to I looked in my wallet and discovered that the vulture had stolen all of my money and credit cards. I screamed "REVENGE" and rushed back to my monster truck. As I reversed out of my parking space one of my tyres exploded. I quickly started changing it and was helped in the process by a baker who had just been shopping. He'd spent £53.75 on beetroot and planned on creating a beetroot themed amusement park. With his help the tyre finally got changed and I could continue my hunt for the vulture who had stolen my wallet. I started up my engine and it almost immediately died out. I had run out of petrol and had no money to fill it back up. Dismayed by this I vowed revenge on YOU! I traced back all of the events leading up to that moment back to the watermelon falling from the sky. The watermelon that YOU dropped! We haven't met yet but I just wanted to let you know that I am closing in on you!Paranormal Explorerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01259465226581059722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7253559756020668880.post-52329169229855610382011-02-24T11:27:00.000-08:002011-02-24T15:02:24.560-08:00FREDDY THE FISH AND THE RANDOM CHICKEN POX EPIDEMICOnce upon a time in the sea there lived a marvelous little fish named Freddy the Fish. No other fish in all of the world is like Freddy for one very simple reason. They are not the stars of these stories. <br />
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Scientists have tried to determine exactly what type of fish Freddy is but they have all failed. This is because the author of these tales can't be bothered choosing a type of fish for Freddy to be. Also it grants freedom for the tales to unfold, if there is a requirement for a lake then Freddy can magically become a freshwater fish. If there is a house fire he can become an aquarium fish. Flexibility is the key to tales like the one you are now reading.<br />
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Freddy lives in a lovely little cave near the bottom of a coral reef. He cleans his house every day with his tail. He brushes the walls and floor and celing. You can easily clean celings underwater, it's so much simpler to live under the sea. But Freddy understands that some land dwellers lack the basic implements to live underwater and he doesn't begrudge them their life choice just because they lack common sense and have to make everything so difficult on themselves, well all he can say to that is: FREDDY 1, HUMANS 0.<br />
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One day Freddy picks up his newspaper. This is an impressive task considering that he's a fish and thus lacks opposible thumbs or fingers of any kind and also considering the fact that he is underwater. Some people (the race that actually invented the newspaper) are unable to pick up a newspaper. So in other words: FREDDY 2, HUMANS 0! Freddy scans through the newspaper but doesn't see anything of interest. Unfortunately for him he misses a tiny little story in the corner of page 5 that says the following:<br />
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<b>Unexplained Wave of Deaths</b><br />
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<i>An investigation into the sudden increase in unexplained deaths in the area has unearthed some interesting facts. It appears that the deaths follow a pattern. If the deaths are ordered in the order they ocurred then it appears that whatever is causing these deaths is heading this way. This story will be updated as more news is heard.</i><br />
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Freddy didn't notice the story and he probably wouldn't have cared anyway as he isn't prone to panicing. Freddy continued along with his day and even found the time to go and see a movie he thought looked good.<br />
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A week went by.<br />
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One day Freddy woke up feeling itchy all over. He couldn't understand what it was that was causing the itchyness. Upon closer inspection of himself he discovered several red marks on his fins. The marks appeared to be shaped like one of those flying land dwellers. Freddy thought this was weird so he phoned the doctor, (another amazing feat as there are no phone lines underwater. FREDDY 3, HUMANS 0) he made an appointment for the afternoon and decided that he should rest for the morning. <br />
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He woke up at two and deicded to go for a walk before his doctors appointment. As he walked down the street he passed the newsagents and saw the newspaper in the window. The front page headline caught his eye.<br />
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<b>WARNING: CHICKEN POX EPIDEMIC! STAY INDOORS!</b><br />
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Freddy was confused about this. <br />
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"What the hell is a chicken?" He asked nobody in particular.<br />
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All of a sudden his itchy spots vanished and so did the spots on every other fish in the entire ocean. For you see, Freddy had just logically deduced that if a chicken can't live under water then neither can chicken pox or any other thing with chicken in the name. How many people have done that? None? Exactly!<br />
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FREDDY 4, HUMANS 0<br />
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<b>The End</b>Paranormal Explorerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01259465226581059722noreply@blogger.com1